Catastrophe Comedian Gifts

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

The end is nigh.

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

'Well, there's something you don't see every day'

"Admit it, we're lost."

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated

"You overwatered the plant, again."

"A little under done?"

'I forgot to cancel the milk!'

"Ya know, that cork was there for a reason."

"Well, we could just tell everyone we have an indoor pool!"

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

"Find out who's got the licensing rights for this Armageddon thing and get them on the phone - quickly."

Suez Canal Curse

The End of the World is Nigh - man with placard

Venice Floods

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

"Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about that?"

"Hurry up and make a wish. Your cake's in there."

Zombie Worker Apocalypse

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

A Not So Grand Slam.

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

Drunks brought into A&E: Alcohol and Emergent Sick.

The End is Near. Have A Cone.

'Okay, now I'm hoping he's right...'

Freak Accident Specialist

Paramedics carrying a man away after his dinner.

Cotton candy

"Gee, I'm sorry this had to happen on our first date!"

"OK, now here comes the lava."

Man who has crashed his safety bicycle

Cluster Catastrophe

"I'm charging extra to remove the duct tape you thought would work."

'Do you remember what make of car it was, sir? -- We'll have to order parts.'