Carry-on Comedian Gifts

"Good news, sir – your carry-on has been upgraded to business class."

"Ahhh... close enough."

'I'd say your caravan's a tad overloaded, sir.'

The Uber Ride of Paul Revere

It's only firing on 87 cylinders!

"If your luggage is in your clothes it doesn't count!"

"Don't worry. If we're too late, we can always catch the secondary screening."

"During our vacation my wife and I went to Paris while our suitcases went to Rome and Athens."

"Take me home now!"

Moses comes to Los Angeles.

"I dreamed last night that I had a job within walking distance."

'We don't keep cash on the premises.'

"This is Siri. No, you're not there yet!"

"The next time you have an 'emergency', have it on the roof like every other self-respecting bird!"

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

"Listen, and I'll explain it to you again..."

"Road construction used to bother me. But compared to all the craziness going on in the world, I'll take this any day."

A signaller directing pallbearers

Straddling bus stop above a regular bus stop.

Beep' 'beep' 'beep' 'beep'' - 'Slam!' - 'Great... another long week of pain and humiliation ahead...' - ''Click'' - 'God, Ilove my job.' - '' -

Bob was headed on a long trip but had forgotten his suitcase. Luckily, the airport folks were one step ahead.

'We don't charge you any extra, but we will hate you,'

Trapeze artists commuting

Martian Rovers find proof of intelligent life on the red planet.

Things Women Never Say: 'Sorry I'm late boss. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn't stop listening.'

Riding instructor waits to fish a child out of jumping obstacle.

'Next time, spring for a little more, and get a GOOD GPS'

Airbus

"Your new car won't start? Oh, well, umm…that's just the car's Collision Avoidance System kicking in. It doesn't want you to hit anything today."

Need a Lawyer?

Metrocard error messages

65. Whenever I'm in the mood to watch the rest of the world go by, I simply keep to the legal speed limit.

"Well, they did say half-board."

Pine tree driving a truck with a human-shaped air freshener hanging off the mirror

'Turn right at the first $4.09 unleaded, then a hang a left at $4.03 unleaded, and over the bridge, past the $4.01 unleaded...'