Canteen Connoisseur Gifts

'Soup of the day.' 'Cream of Monday.'

'You're in trouble. Your confidential memo went toxic and so did that tuna salad.'

Cops special dessert.

'Oxford, Cambridge, Redbrick, Poly . . .'

Tartine

Give us a drink that says "we're in love." Oh no, not again. Today's Special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. We're back together. We're celebrating. Give us my darling pudding pie's favorite drink. A cinnamon mocha latte with a peppermint lollipop swizzle stick. Excuse me?! That is not my favorite drink ... dear. My favorite drink is a cinnamon mocha latte with a spearmint lollipop swizzle stick ... dear. I am so sorry ... snookums. How could I have possibly been so heartless and thoughtless as to con

"Who ordered the double chocolate parfait with a cherry on top?"

Wifi in Hell

"I feel like that I've been given a unique oppurtunity to speak out on issues."

'Which wine goes best with 'the old man and the sea'?'

Canape?

Hats and Food

The Alpha Seltzer

He acts all cool and feral until the can of food comes out. Jingle jingle jingle.

"I know it's misspelled, but market research shows that cute sells."

'We don't know which gate flight 311 to Denver is boarding. These are the menus.'

Yummy Mummies

Electric Blanket.

The Complete Spaghetti Dinner.

"Tell me what you think of the menu. I wrote it."

Pet Entertainers

With Compliments

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

'No, that's not my shaving lotion. We've been burning cow chips in the wood stove.'

File Cabinets for Perfectionists

'I can't have you spending all of your money on fancy restaurants like this, Jeff.'

"I can't wait for things to get back to normal."

"That will be the gold standard by which all other naps are judged."

What's the insect de jour?

Pre-Winter Ennui-'Hon, did you have the furnace checked?'

Bats with blankets.

'Why is laying around watching movies considered cozy, but laying around watching football is considered lazy?'

'It is so nice to be able to take a break mid trip...'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

"Just think how much we could save if we switched the heating off altogether."