Canteen Critic Gifts

'The usual dregs, slops and yesterday's left-overs,please Mary!'

Police canteen.

Schoolgirl in canteen: 'The food's great but I wish they'd stop calling it 'pukka tukka'.'

Police Cuts: Enough is Enough!

Cafe Burns.

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

'Chili again?'

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'Oxford, Cambridge, Redbrick, Poly . . .'

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

Office Canteen: 'Getting in a consultant is win-win for us... we'll get the credit if it's a success - but, if it all goes wrong, we've got someone else to blame!'

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

'You made me jump,'

I like the look of the sherry trifle!

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

Dateline - Caf

'Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday you like beans, now you don't like beans.'

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

'You're in trouble. Your confidential memo went toxic and so did that tuna salad.'

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

Frankly, I've seen better menus on my computer accounts Package.

"In the future, please order a small black coffee as a petit café noir."

"Somebody found a finger in a salad?!"

'I know you are doing your best, but it will be great when Pat comes home.'

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"Excellent choice, our double mocha fudge supreme has never been linked to a serious injury or fatality."

'Not really the kind of cafe culture we were hoping to find.'

'Oh, yeah, they're cute until you can no longer claim them as dependents on your tax return.'

"Our view is if it isn't made in a factory, it's organic."