Cafeteria Critic Gifts

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

'No thank you - I'm dyslexic.'

I'm thinking of suing your caf

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

'Charles knew Tad was about to snap. Quarterly profits were weak, the network was compromised and now, Tuesday's Brussel Sprout medley in the cafeteria lingered through Thursday.'

Disappointed overweight employees being served a carrot at the office canteen.

"What I really fancy is a decent sausage" "Looks like you've had your chips"

"What's your position on Brussels Sprouts in the lunch line?"

"Somebody found a finger in a salad?!"

"This school is so good, I even learn stuff during lunch."

We need a new eco project. Ok. Let's get locally grown food into the school cafeteria. What's our strategy? We can start with the potatoes. I'll make the poster. We want home fries.

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

"It's a pumpkin spice latte pie latte."

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

'We like bright, new employees who aren't afraid to take some risks. By the way... how are those clam fritters?'

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

'Oxford, Cambridge, Redbrick, Poly . . .'

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

"I didn't know they could make so many entrees with vegetables!"

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

Dateline - Caf

"Of course I love school...but I love no more cafeteria food more."

Vending machines: Caffeine, Sugar and Carbs.

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."