Cafeteria Novelist Gifts

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

'We like bright, new employees who aren't afraid to take some risks. By the way... how are those clam fritters?'

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

"I didn't realize there was so many different kinds of vegetables!"

"Of course I love school...but I love no more cafeteria food more."

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

"I didn't know they could make so many entrees with vegetables!"

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

"Herbert, don't! This is a gourmet coffee shop! You order instant de-caf and there's going to be trouble!"

"They love me...they really, really love me!"

High school sophomore Kyle Rimnard tests his theory that cafeteria meatloaf cures acne.

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

"Somebody found a finger in a salad?!"

'C'mon. Just a few counties can't hurt.'

"At last...after so many missed days...so many cruel days apart...we are together once again!"

'No, he's right. Cows have three udders. One for skim milk, one for two percent and the third one's for lactose free.'

"Yesterday's weenies have migrated in with today's nuggets."

"What is friendship if not constant amateurish psychoanalysis?"

"Well if bread's free, and gravy's free, how about bread and gravy?"

'Chocolate pudding to start...it'll deaden your appetite.'

"We use the cheapest ingredients and pass the savings on to you."

'It's called ‘Shared Risk.' You taste the Okra Casserole and I'll try the Tuna Surprise.'

Never declare a food fight on artichoke day!

"Principal Gomez! What are you doing here? Don't you in your office."