Cafeteria Comic Gifts

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

'Chocolate pudding to start...it'll deaden your appetite.'

Not wanting to look like a loser for eating alone in the cafeteria, Lyle brought along his new Inflatable Lunch Pal.

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

'You've had enough!'

'We like bright, new employees who aren't afraid to take some risks. By the way... how are those clam fritters?'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the grande size anymore without a prescription.'

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

Vending machines: Caffeine, Sugar and Carbs.

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

'Chef told me I had to have guard before I used the mixer!'

I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp. Really? Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that? They post "reviews" that don't have even a hint of negativity. Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: "House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate."

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

"A barista should always follow his instincts."

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

"Oh, how nice. You're just in time to cut the vegetables,"

"Somebody found a finger in a salad?!"

'No, he's right. Cows have three udders. One for skim milk, one for two percent and the third one's for lactose free.'

'C'mon. Just a few counties can't hurt.'

"At last...after so many missed days...so many cruel days apart...we are together once again!"

"What is friendship if not constant amateurish psychoanalysis?"

"There's a fly in my soup."

"We use the cheapest ingredients and pass the savings on to you."

"Well if bread's free, and gravy's free, how about bread and gravy?"

'It's called ‘Shared Risk.' You taste the Okra Casserole and I'll try the Tuna Surprise.'

Never declare a food fight on artichoke day!