Cafeteria Humor Enthusiast Gifts

School Cafeteria. I'm beginning to understand why the first-graders eat paste. (Published originally on Jan. 11, 1995.)

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"And where have you previously moused?"

"Give me all the caffeine you have."

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

"...But of course we'll still be friends on Facebook!"

"You're hired. Now, I'll show you your desk, the break room, and the dented wall you're allowed to beat your head against."

"Here's some of my work for you to do. It should be a refreshing change...for me."

"On a positive note, he's not our boss. He's the guy who stole our boss's identity."

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

"I can't decide who gets the promotion, so we'll settle it with a rope toy Tug O' War."

'Face it, we're never going to reach a consensus.'

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

Should not have put that suggestion in the suggestion box.'

"I was going to tell you it's a jungle out there, but I realize that's probably old news to you."

...The computer says you can handle 20 more work

'She finally made employee of the month but she paid the ultimate price.'

'I've collected my memos into one reasonably priced gift book.'

'Remember you told me to be friendly to your boss.'

'We're very proud of you, Jenkins. Keep up the good work.'

"Confounded spell checker... never catches anything."

"Maybe our beloved founder is trying to tell us something."

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

'Remember, my door is always open Higgins, just be careful of the trap door.'

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

'It's not fair. Women doing the same job I'm doing in this office are being paid more than I am!'

'Hawaii can wait. These reports cannot.'

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

"Next on the agenda: How can we crush workers' spirit, while appearing to care?"

'You've had enough!'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'