Cafeteria Comic Appreciator Gifts

"I see you're saying grace. You should pray to me - I'll actually respond."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

Cow being force fed hormones and producing milk.

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

"I've been thinking, but I'm going to stop."

'We like bright, new employees who aren't afraid to take some risks. By the way... how are those clam fritters?'

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

'Sorry'

'You caught 'em. You clean 'em.'

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the grande size anymore without a prescription.'

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"I didn't know they could make so many entrees with vegetables!"

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

New, Improved Cat

'Sometimes it's not a very good idea to be indecisive.'

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

Self-Esteem Clinic.

"They love me...they really, really love me!"

"Herbert, don't! This is a gourmet coffee shop! You order instant de-caf and there's going to be trouble!"

"Who wants to go for walkies?"

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

"I've got pride but no shame."

'S**t!'

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

Well there's something you don't see every day...