Cafeteria Comic Appreciator Gifts

"I see you're saying grace. You should pray to me - I'll actually respond."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

Cow being force fed hormones and producing milk.

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

'We like bright, new employees who aren't afraid to take some risks. By the way... how are those clam fritters?'

'Is that the smell of fear? Or is it just Meatloaf Monday in the cafeteria?'

"I've been thinking, but I'm going to stop."

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

'You caught 'em. You clean 'em.'

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the grande size anymore without a prescription.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

"I didn't know they could make so many entrees with vegetables!"

New, Improved Cat

'Sometimes it's not a very good idea to be indecisive.'

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

"I've got pride but no shame."

"Herbert, don't! This is a gourmet coffee shop! You order instant de-caf and there's going to be trouble!"

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

"Who wants to go for walkies?"

Self-Esteem Clinic.

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

"They love me...they really, really love me!"

'S**t!'

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

Well there's something you don't see every day...

'I told you a blowgun was a bad idea!'