Cafe Critic Gifts

It's Irvine Welsh rarebit.

"Excellent choice, our double mocha fudge supreme has never been linked to a serious injury or fatality."

Cafeteria - "Today's special is yesterday's catch of the day."

"We no longer write our customers' names on the cups..."

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

"Sometimes, just to agitate them, I flash my jar on instant coffee."

'Let's find anothr cafe - I'm not eating in any restaurant that outranks me'

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

Harsh Words In Islingon

'The Republicans are like the 'behind leading the behind'.'

'You are quite right, the soup is cold!'

'I get all my overcoats in there.'

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

"And do you take your organic green tea with sugar, lemon, honey, or just the usual dollop of smug self-righteousness?"

Man having thinning hair blasted by cafe speaker.

"I guess it's really not the right neighborhood for a sidewalk café."

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

"I'll have a cup of coffee, and would you mind removing that ridiculous painting and turning off the Wilco?"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'It's my favorite.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"