Cafe Critic Gifts

It's Irvine Welsh rarebit.

"Excellent choice, our double mocha fudge supreme has never been linked to a serious injury or fatality."

Cafeteria - "Today's special is yesterday's catch of the day."

"We no longer write our customers' names on the cups..."

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

"Sometimes, just to agitate them, I flash my jar on instant coffee."

'Let's find anothr cafe - I'm not eating in any restaurant that outranks me'

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

Harsh Words In Islingon

'The Republicans are like the 'behind leading the behind'.'

'You are quite right, the soup is cold!'

'I get all my overcoats in there.'

'Sure, we can weaken it and water it down for you... for an extra charge.'

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

"And do you take your organic green tea with sugar, lemon, honey, or just the usual dollop of smug self-righteousness?"

Man having thinning hair blasted by cafe speaker.

"I guess it's really not the right neighborhood for a sidewalk café."

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.

You don't find it strange I'm writing scathing Yelp reviews about this caf

Who do these people think they are? What people? They're complaining about our prices, service, the use of single-ply toilet paper in the restroom

Dateline - Caf

I was eating my muffin and drinking my latte when I noticed the tv on your wall is only 1080p resolution. That's right. So you admit it! Your tv is not an 8k UHD television! And yet your sign outside says "good eats and state of the art tech inside." That's false advertising. I might be willing to forgo the class action lawsuit and settle out of court. I'd settle for a 1080p tv. Get out.

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp. Really? Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that? They post "reviews" that don

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"How fresh is the calamari?"