Coffee Culture Critic Gifts

"Could I have a skinny, half fat caramel infued Americano with a double shot and froth. . . but without the coffee!"

"Where do I go if I just want tea?"

'This is NOT a grande extra whipped cream hot chocolate with caramel drizzle!'

'I prefer tea!'

Corporate Coffee Co.

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

The Coffee Specialist

Writers without borders.

"Great coffee, Carole."

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

Running Latte

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

Sermon on the Grounds...

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

"There you go bra. Double flat white and homage to Rothko's Seagram series."

Daily Grind Coffee Cup

'The coffee tastes of mud. Is that why you call it 'ground' coffee?'

"Practicing my hate-face."

Dateline - Caf

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

"Introducing the Schultzaccino. Neither tea nor coffee."

'What keeps the gray whales awake during their 12,000 mile long migration.' A whale at a coffee stand says, 'Did you put the lids on tight on those 25,000 cups of coffee to go?'

'This decaf's lousy.'

"...ummm, remember that guy from Pennsylvania that you dumped?"

"Braithwaite & Starbucks. How may we help you?"

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

Honest Vending Machine

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

'If I'm to put up with cold coffee and stale biscuits I expect a Much better line in gossip!'

"Can you make me a tall Tazo chai latte with soy milk?" Bartleby, the soon-to-be-unemployed barista.

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe