Coffee Critique Gifts

This doesn't taste like coffee. It tastes like Sanka. I think the waitress is afraid of succumbing to our charms, and she feels safer by keeping us decaffeinated.

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"Sorry, dear... I don't have a pumpkin spiced flat white chai latte. I just have this one..."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Another reason farm raised fish aren't as healthy as wild ones.

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

"Your idea is strong. Really strong. But I've gotta ask myself, is it too much espresso for a decaf world?"

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

'Sorry I'm not at the meeting, sir

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

'The Entrecote a la Bordelaise? It's stuff on a plate.'

Nothing like that first cup of coffee, eh, Frank?

An art director eats: 'Waiter! Does this lettuce say 'salad' to you?'

This coffee can keep you up

"Practicing my hate-face."

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

Dateline - Caf

'The coffee tastes of mud. Is that why you call it 'ground' coffee?'

'I wish you'd make those meatballs a little lighter; they hurt!'

'Waiter, I don't remember ordering this gristle!'

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

Honest Vending Machine

"Would you prefer sparkling water, filtered water, tap water or water?"

'This decaf's lousy.'

When Gordon Ramsay gets re-incarnated as a fly.

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'