Coffee Critic Gifts

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

"Everything okay, Wilson?"

Howard Schultz: Another Businessman Who Says He Can Do To the Country What He Did for Business and Turns Out to be Stupid

"Spare change please mister, for a Mocha Frappuccino with cinnamon sprinkles?"

"Body milk is rubbish! Not only does it taste awful in my coffee but I still have my wrinkles!"

Honest Vending Machine

'The coffee tastes of mud. Is that why you call it 'ground' coffee?'

Starbucks closing 600 stores with 12,000 job cuts.

'I think we should report this coffee to the environmental inspector.'

Man - 'This coffee tastes like mud!' Woman - 'It was ground this morning.'

'Don't complain, You may be old and weak yourself someday,'

'If I'm to put up with cold coffee and stale biscuits I expect a Much better line in gossip!'

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

"Decaf... I distinctly ordered DECAF."

'This decaf's lousy.'

'You're drinking TEA?! O'Grady, you're a disgrace to the uniform!'

"Practicing my hate-face."

"Well, another year is coming to a close. I'd like to thank you for a job well done, Nemesis." "I just serve coffee." "Yes, but you do it so poorly, as if you have the coordination of a two-year-old. And every word out of your mouth is vapid and narcissistic. Day in and day out, you have provided me with a slovenly example of youth that makes me feel very, very good to be old. So... good job." "Thank you for being you, loser!" "I love being important."

Stop bothering the patrons. Me? You can't just go saying whatever is on your mind. You can't tell people that coffee makes you sick, or beef is being recalled or that they're bad dressers. It offends people. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend your over sensitive, somewhat feminine nature. That's what I'm talking about! What'd I say?

Of course I can get you a double-caffeine espresso. You

The election's over, boss, I don't think anyone wants reminded of it. Who's reminding them? All I asked you to do is make a few teensy little changes to our café's billboards. Change them from "House of Java beats Coffee King in 9 out of 10 taste tests: to "Crooked Coffee King is the most corrupt cafe in history. They're absolutely terrible." Nobody wants to see ads that remind them of Donald Trump!!! And change our print ads to "Coffee King should be in jail, believe me."

The fly in my soup served a valid comedic purpose. This fly in my coffee is just a slap in my face.

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.