Coffee Shop Critiquers Gifts

"Podcasts, blech. It's like eavesdropping without the intrigue."

"You don't whisper anymore."

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

How About Serving Us For a Change

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

'Sorry I'm not at the meeting, sir

"I only drink decaf, otherwise I'm awake up to four hours a day."

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

"I don'y know about you guys, but I don't feel like I've lost one goddamn bit of my feminity."

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

"Practicing my hate-face."

Dateline - Caf

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

'The coffee tastes of mud. Is that why you call it 'ground' coffee?'

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

Continental Drift.

How much for a blueberry scone? $3.25. I'll give you $1.20. Huh? $1.40. $1.45. It's not negotiable. Shrewd. $1.65. $2.00. $2.10. $2.25, but I want free shipping! Ebay addicts. $3 for your sandwich. $6.

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

Honest Vending Machine

'This decaf's lousy.'

"This coffee seems a little staler every morning, Edwina!"

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

...Five ways for the cities-towns to raise money...

'Did I wake up feeling grumpy this morning?... No, I let him sleep!'

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

'If I'm to put up with cold coffee and stale biscuits I expect a Much better line in gossip!'

Beachwalk Cafe. Shoes must be worn. Dare! Mine are brand new!

"I can see the green shoots of recovery. The fag butts are getting longer."

"Don't be a follower. Be your own man."