Café Critiquer Gifts

The Decafé

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

'Sorry I'm not at the meeting, sir

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

"Practicing my hate-face."

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

'The coffee tastes of mud. Is that why you call it 'ground' coffee?'

'This decaf's lousy.'

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

Honest Vending Machine

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

'If I'm to put up with cold coffee and stale biscuits I expect a Much better line in gossip!'

"In the future, please order a small black coffee as a petit café noir."

Muscle Steroids.

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

Urban Development - Cutting down trees and naming streets after them.

"Could I have a skinny, half fat caramel infued Americano with a double shot and froth. . . but without the coffee!"

"Excellent choice, our double mocha fudge supreme has never been linked to a serious injury or fatality."

'Not really the kind of cafe culture we were hoping to find.'

"Our view is if it isn't made in a factory, it's organic."

"Podcasts, blech. It's like eavesdropping without the intrigue."

"We start with black coffee and then add a lot of stuff so it doesn't taste like black coffee."

'Caffeinated or decaffeinated?'

Grade 'A' Grass.

Man - 'This coffee tastes like mud!' Woman - 'It was ground this morning.'

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"