Café Critiquer Gifts

The Decafé

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

Beachwalk Cafe. Shoes must be worn. Dare! Mine are brand new!

I demand to be recompensed for the 28.47 minutes of my time your café was wasted. What? There are 1500 square feet of seating space in this café. That is room enough for 125 people. 90 percent of Americans own a personal electronic device of some sort. The quotient of that ratio of people to electronic devices is 112.5. Dividing by two produces a quotient of 56.25. So you see, it's obvious why you owe me compensation for my wasted time. I have no idea what you're saying. You only have 55 electri

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'Sorry I'm not at the meeting, sir

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

If you can't afford the milk you drink, there are options. I can put you on a payment plan. Minimal APR since you're such a valued customer. Valued?! You hardly treat me like I'm valued, you miser! YOU TREAT ME WITH CONTEMPT! Good point. Maximum APR, then.

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

"Practicing my hate-face."

'The coffee tastes of mud. Is that why you call it 'ground' coffee?'

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

Dear Sadie, I'm just an aging Baby-Boomer who still believes in America, and sees all the good around me, but I don't understand why we've become so mean. How can I feel good about us again? Signed, Marlemarion. Great question. There's an easy answer as to how you can feel better about the world. Change your name to something normal! I just don't agree with the @#$% premise that we've gotten mean.

Dateline - Caf

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

Honest Vending Machine

'This decaf's lousy.'

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

Muscle Steroids.

'If I'm to put up with cold coffee and stale biscuits I expect a Much better line in gossip!'

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

"In the future, please order a small black coffee as a petit café noir."

Urban Development - Cutting down trees and naming streets after them.

"Could I have a skinny, half fat caramel infued Americano with a double shot and froth. . . but without the coffee!"

'Not really the kind of cafe culture we were hoping to find.'

"Excellent choice, our double mocha fudge supreme has never been linked to a serious injury or fatality."

Randy, do you think I'm stuck working here, working at this cafe? Why do you ask? Maybe I could branch out, test the waters, see if I've got the courage and capacity to try something new. Are you saying I hang out at this cafe because I've got nowhere else to go? What just happened? If I just said something aloud, it had no weight or meaning.

I suppose you're wondering why I summoned you, minion. Not really, boss. I've noticed a disturbing trend: Bikinis are getting smaller and smaller. So small, in fact, that they no longer hid anything. I think it's about time our caf

If you get lost, remember that there's a Starbucks on every corner.

'Caffeinated or decaffeinated?'

"We start with black coffee and then add a lot of stuff so it doesn't taste like black coffee."

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

Man - 'This coffee tastes like mud!' Woman - 'It was ground this morning.'