Canine Culinary Critiquer Gifts

Dietary options for your dog.

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

Raw food, after you leave for work.

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

View to the Future

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

Too much cilantro

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell Thursday's gluten-free lasagna!"

"Is the MSG local?"

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

Countervailing Clichés.

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

"No, my consomme was perfect, but my husbands calamari is a little underdone."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

"We've both made mistakes, Doug, but I consider the appetizers to be a thing of the past."

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Nice try, Mom, but I'm going to go with a caterer."

'Oh come on! I can't be that bad!'

Mrs. Robot attempts to improve her family's diet.

"Is that all they taught him at obedience school? How to use a can opener?"