Culinary Critiquer Gifts

Meat Department

'Sorry to keep you waiting.'

'On the menu, everything looks so awful.'

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

6 Brothers Falafel

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

View to the Future

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

"Rump roast?"

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'