Campus Nostalgist Gifts

'Gee, maybe there was something wrong with this college.'

Go team!

What've you been up to since college, Lemont? Oh, I became a journalist … had a kid, blah blah … but I wanna hear about you, Rudy. Grigori Rasputin. How've you been all these years? How's your Uncle Mort? Are you a Russian spy? Boop boop boop. How'd that stomach-tumble-translator startup you founded in the nineties go? Wait ... what did you say you became? What do they have on President Trump? How's your cat? Boop.

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"Now, my brave little soldier, do you have everything...an apple for your teacher, your satchel, pencils and books - your existential misery??"

'You talk about her so much. Why don't you invite that Alma Mater of yours to dinner sometime?'

I remember when the only social networking site you could access at work was the water cooler!

Why does every kid want the wallet size? School picture, early days.

"My parents taught me stuff until I was six, and then they outsourced me to Central Elementary."

'Take this to your boss. It works for me with my teacher.'

"I'm impressed! Junior actually asked to use our old-fashioned dictionary!"

"I've been able to pay attention a lot more in class since the teacher separated us."

'Trade you my Doggie Cola for tour Toilet Water Drink Box.'

'When I was a student, wireless data transmission meant passing notes in class.'

"You've really blotted your copy book this time Higgins!"

"I'm old school. Pass me a handwritten note."

"This is a weird frat."

"And here's where daddy used to work...before it became a museum.

There's always one.

"I went to my college class reunion. Everyone else is unemployed."

Admit it! You're gonna miss High School. Best 5 1/2 Years of Your Life.

"I need time off to go back to college and party. Fraternity leave"

'You'll never forget your college experience, though grades indicate you've tried.'

"Yes, I still wear my Harvard ring. It helps when I slug someone."

In the Year 2525

"I played polo in college."

"After working at a desk for 40 years, Charlie never really wanted a man cave."

I'm not interested in buying new technology. What's wrong with me? Don't worry. I went through a brief period in college where I wasn't attracted to women. I didn't want to date or even have flings. It was a dark, horrible abyss that felt like it would never, ever end! How is this helping? Red Maxim repeatedly until it passes.

"The end of school is the saddest time of the year. I hate saying goodbye to all my friends."

"That was really funny, Gramps, what was it called?"

'I'm afraid all those goldfish you swallowed back in college have finally caught up with you.'

Brett Beer: It's the best beer to ever make me ralph. And I've ralphed a lot.

"I think I'd rather fight you again than go in there!"

"It was a party school."

"I tried some in college, but I never inhaled."