Caged Comedian Gifts

"I don't care what you say when she leaves the cage door open there's a helluva draught"

"Ahhh... close enough."

'I know you're worried about Tibby, Mrs. Lutz, but we simply don't allow people to stay overnight with their pets.'

'Maybe it should be funnier...'

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

"That explains all the cavities."

When staffing agencies screw up.

Interpretive Dental Hygiene

'I've got the answers to the test written on my hands and arms. It's old school artificial intelligence.'

Shipwrecked with an environmentalist.

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

"That was a boring field trip."

How scientists classify the Elements vs how students classify the Elements.

Convict Decor

'You've been overfeeding the budgie again, dear.'

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

"So how long will it take to grow?"

'If you can overlook the newspaper on the floor, this isn't bad for a starter home.'

"Look on the bright side. You no longer live with your parents."

Actually without the mask, I look a lot like Brad Pitt

'I suppose you'd like your porridge shaken, not stirred?'

Martha bakes with her new friends.

'I was told to reach for the stars but when I did, I was arrested for stalking.'

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

'I read my newspaper online.'

"The other gangs can give you protection. We can give you free wi-fi."

"I know it's my turn, but please continue."

'But I learned a valuable lesson: Before you put out a contract on anyone, be sure to read the fine print.'

'Want to really freak her out? Start coughing!'

'Well, that's what we get for listening to reason.'

"What do you mean, 'you don't serve porridge?!"

'There's a rumour we're all going to be released and forced to join the NFL.'

I don