Cage-free Comedian Gifts

'You've been overfeeding the budgie again, dear.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

'I know you're worried about Tibby, Mrs. Lutz, but we simply don't allow people to stay overnight with their pets.'

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"Can I get this to go in an organic, locally recycled, eco-friendly doggie bag?"

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"That explains all the cavities."

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

Climate Conference. I'm glad you enjoyed my speech, but please don't call it the "high-water mark."

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"Your resume looks good, but I'm not seeing any DNA data."

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'I went into hunting and gathering. And you?'

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

'I'd say that our transport policy couldn't get any greener'

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

"Where do you see yourself after 5 beers?"