Cafeteria Schemer Gifts

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

"Pardon me, but why is there no ceiling this office?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

'You're closer to the Big Guy than anyone. Will you help us kill him?'

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

'We like bright, new employees who aren't afraid to take some risks. By the way... how are those clam fritters?'

“Son, that… ‘some this will all be yours’… is now!”

"Would you buy the apple pie for me? I'm on the 'No You Don't!' Diet."

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

'Damn, I just love this new problem solving tool!'

Vending machines: Caffeine, Sugar and Carbs.

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

'We've decided to foreclose on Paraguay, Ferguson -- Get down there and take the place over.'

"Look, let's just say I haven't seen anything, Charlie hasn't heard anything, and Tom hasn't said anything."

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

"One is a sham bag for my parents to confiscate."

'Remember to be nice to people on your way up. You might need them to do hard time for you later.'

"So, are we singing from the same hymnbook?"

'C'mon. Just a few counties can't hurt.'

"At last...after so many missed days...so many cruel days apart...we are together once again!"

"Somebody found a finger in a salad?!"

'No, he's right. Cows have three udders. One for skim milk, one for two percent and the third one's for lactose free.'

"What is friendship if not constant amateurish psychoanalysis?"

'Chocolate pudding to start...it'll deaden your appetite.'

"Well if bread's free, and gravy's free, how about bread and gravy?"

'There's no money in comic strips.'

'It's called ‘Shared Risk.' You taste the Okra Casserole and I'll try the Tuna Surprise.'