Foodie Schemer Gifts

'Do not answer the door bell until I say so. . . if the pizza guy doesn't deliver our order in 15 minutes, we get our pizza for free.'

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

'I can't wait 'til hunting is googling and gathering is calling out for delivery.'

"We gotta find a way to increase our Halloween candy."

"O.K., one last big rhubarb score. But then I'm out of the pie game for good."

'You can't call it a miracle drug just because you added miracle whip!'

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

'If Darwin had been the cook on the Beagle' 'Menu- its Evolution'.

At the Periodic Picnic Table of the Elements

"Management would like you to keep in mind that the latest research indicates that everything on our 'Healthy Menu' is now unhealthy."

Einstein tests his pasta-antipasto theory.

"One is a sham bag for my parents to confiscate."

Old man stealing sand from a sand box for child

"Who remembers when food wasn't genetically modified?"

'You said we can grow our own food. So, where's the hot dog seeds.'

Cheesemaker

'Chefs, the secret ingredient for tonight's competition is - wing of bat!'

'Common cold? We thought you said 'caramel corn!''

RAP SCALLION, 'Don't call me no ONION, that ain't my name, I'm BETTA than an onion, but I got no FAME, put me on yo' SAN'wich, put me in yo' SOUP....'

A trap for Santa

State Fair. Fun. You won a ribbon in the eating contest? What for? Honorable munchin'!

"On the contrary, the way to a man's heart is through the superior vena cava."

'There's no money in comic strips.'

"May I have your attention? For Christmas, all I want is for everyone to write a note on how smart, charming and social I am. I'm collecting college reference letters before I enter my terrible teens."

Little Jimmy Harmon: first to amplify the sparerib

"He usually doesn't see anybody without an appointment, but since you brought pizza ..."

Bob devises the ultimate weight-loss system.

"Are there any security cameras in the basement?"

"If I do that to my own Barbie, imagine what might happen to a tattle-tale."

'Here's our strategy...for your last meal order all-you-can-eat and eat it VERY SLOWLY!'

"Keep an eye on that Santa...I think he might be a damned headhunter!"

'I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it's more of a wrap.'

A road side billboard advertises: 'bus drivers eat-free' a man is seen rigging a false panel that looks like a bus to his caravan.

'I've got threepence'

"The lab boys figured out how to change lead into gold. Now your job is to corner the lead market."