Future Schemer Gifts

"You can be whatever you want to be when you grow, thanks to identity theft."

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

"One day, my boy, all this will be retirement homes."

'No, you can't use your last wish, to wish for another three wishes!'

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

'You're closer to the Big Guy than anyone. Will you help us kill him?'

"An Iraq attack is one thing, but I'm not sure about a Persian incursion."

“Son, that… ‘some this will all be yours’… is now!”

"I've made myself a success through a combination of long-term planning and short term tantrums."

'Here's the game plan going forward. We acknowledge any and all 'mistakes,' then fake fixing them.'

"I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 AM, minion." "I try not to wonder." "After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7." "We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep." "Not true. By being closed at 3 AM, we're missing out on the potentially-lucrative Igor the Wino clientele." "Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon." "Very bad man."

"My assistant is more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy."

"Do you call this a business plan?"

'Things look much better long-term, once we pass the statute of limitations.'

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

And here is where we stooped to the level of the competition.

"It's a setup."

'First item on the agenda...Throw out the agenda!!'

'Do you want to be red Tory or blue Labour?'

'Damn, I just love this new problem solving tool!'

"So you want to hide it from other squirrels by presented to deposit it in savings, then taking it back and putting it in a secret account?"

'We've decided to foreclose on Paraguay, Ferguson -- Get down there and take the place over.'

"Look, let's just say I haven't seen anything, Charlie hasn't heard anything, and Tom hasn't said anything."

"You should have purchased the extended warranty."

"We're fighting them in zone A, they're our allies in zone B, and we don't know what to do in zone C."

'Oh, that's Dan, the congressman's right AND left hand man'

"Just take the free kick, and stop wasting time."

"We love your results. We're just a weeny bit concerned about your methods."

'While Dewey distracts the defense, the quarterback simply jogs into the end zone untouched.'

"Boss, there's a rumor going around that someone lost a $1,000 bill in the cafe. There are like 200 people out there." "Interesting. And I assume they're all looking for the $1,000 bill. I assume they don't want anyone else to know about it before they find it." "I assume each of them is buying our food and drink so the others won't suspect they're here with ulterior motives." "I wonder who could have possibly spread such a rumor in the first place?" "Very bad man."

"So, are we singing from the same hymnbook?"

Old man stealing sand from a sand box for child

"Doing chores is very stimulating. I'm always thinking of ways to avoid them."

'Danae...you seem to spend twice the time and energy in avoiding your schoolwork than it would take to actually do the work...How far do you expect that'll get you in life?'

"I'm doing my part to conserve electricity."