Cafe Humorist Gifts

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

'Waiter, a café with chairs, tables and two coffees please!'

'Sorry, Bob, but I'm having trouble taking our relationship seriously.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"Give me all the caffeine you have."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'Missed again, eh, Bob? Maybe you should switch to decaf!'

"What other tricks does he need?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

'You've had enough!'

"Of course I've been drinking!"

'We like bright, new employees who aren't afraid to take some risks. By the way... how are those clam fritters?'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

"This IS a chicken fried steak!"

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the grande size anymore without a prescription.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'This decaf's lousy.'