Cafe Humorist Pillows

What, sir, are you doing with that microphone? Fitting you with a surveillance device. Someone stole a scone. I've got to monitor everyone in the cafe to prevent future attacks. I'm sure you won't mind – unless you're a filthy pastry-thieving anti-capitalist criminal. I don't know … Speak into the mike, American-hater.

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

'Waiter, a café with chairs, tables and two coffees please!'

'Sorry, Bob, but I'm having trouble taking our relationship seriously.'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"Give me all the caffeine you have."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'Missed again, eh, Bob? Maybe you should switch to decaf!'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"What other tricks does he need?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'I thought chemistry experiments were after lunch.'

"Of course I've been drinking!"

'You've had enough!'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'We like bright, new employees who aren't afraid to take some risks. By the way... how are those clam fritters?'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

"This IS a chicken fried steak!"

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the grande size anymore without a prescription.'

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

"Let me take that for you."

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."