Café Critic Gifts

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

'Sorry I'm not at the meeting, sir

'Would you like me to wipe the cup with my finger or would you prefer Rover here licking it clean?'

'This patch is to quit smoking...this patch is to quit drinking...this patch is to quit drugs...this patch is to quit coffee...and this patch is to quit having any kind of fun whatsover!'

"...an excellent fighting lager with just a hint of park bench."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets delicious table scraps."

'The coffee tastes of mud. Is that why you call it 'ground' coffee?'

"Practicing my hate-face."

Continental Breakfast...$2.99: 'What continent is THIS supposed to represent?'

"Whole bean or ground relentlessly to dust?"

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

Honest Vending Machine

'Well, kids, I guess it all started with decaffeinated coffee....'

The vow of silence. Some days it was really hard to keep.

'Eating again. What's happened to your weight lifting?'

'This decaf's lousy.'

"This coffee seems a little staler every morning, Edwina!"

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

'First you feel shock, then anger, and finally remorse. It's the three stages of grief when buying the tuna sandwich.'

"In the future, please order a small black coffee as a petit café noir."

"Somebody found a finger in a salad?!"

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

"What's healthy about breakfast cereals?"

'If I'm to put up with cold coffee and stale biscuits I expect a Much better line in gossip!'

"Epiphany!!! . . . I'm running the cafe as a communist utopia!...I've charged everyone exactly the same for their muffins, when I should have means-testing. If you can afford to pay $650 for a muffin, well then by Ayn Rand, that's exactly what I should charge you."

Pretentious man reads Culture supplement, saying: 'I don't know much about art but I know what to pretend to like.'

"Could I have a skinny, half fat caramel infued Americano with a double shot and froth. . . but without the coffee!"