Cactus Humorist Gifts

"Puberty's not all it's cracked up to be. For one, you can't play with balloons..."

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Dogs are so silly: Just throw a ball or a stick and they'll chase it and bring it back!'

"Well, here's the problem. You been takin' the hair ball pills and givin' the Viagra to the cats."

"Wow, these slippers are really warm!"

"Scuba cow"

'Jurassic Pork.'

"This hotel room must be dry. There's a cactus growing out of my suitcase."

"Yes, one is a dog."

'Of course I'm being catty. How else do you expect me to act?'

Hats and Food

'...Excuse me...Whoops, my fault!..Sorry!..You first...Pardon Me...Sorry...S'cuse me...Look out!...Pardon'

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

"Yes, it's a safe: I was fed up with my winter provisions being raided by freeloaders!"

"Yep. Looks like we have ringworm."

"Grass-cream! Thanks Mum!"

'Well, I guess we're the control group.'

"That product you are using is fantastic. Your eye bags are gone."

'Mom and dad...if someone threw a rock at me, it would really be like killing two birds with one stone.' 'I told you if we had a child, he'd be a wise-quacker.'

No jay walking.

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

'Bird Watching is fun, but it tends to make me salivate...'

"Hey! There's a hair in my soup!"

"Toadstool you say? No, this is snailstool now!"

Northeastern Deer/Southwestern Deer

"I'm concerned. You seem to have catlike reflexes."

"All you're doing is emboldening cats."

"Did you know he'd joined a squirrel watchers club?"

'Settle an argument. Which is better incessant barking or meowing?'

"You might want to start bringing more carrots home, dear. I think I have an ingrown hare."

"I think I'm beginning to embrace humiliation."

'Cat job interviews.'

"They'd run out of nurses' uniforms..."

'A vampire bat! No kidding!'

Mother hen driving with 'Eggs on Board' sign.