Buddhist Teacher Gifts

"With the deluxe package you get a vacuum, vanilla scented interior spray freshener, carnauba wax, and enlightenment."

Zen things to do before you reincarnate

'I'll be back in three or four months - Hold that thought.'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"Son, it's time you learned the benefits of sitting around doing nothing."

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"I change my mantra every two months so no one can hack my soul."

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

'Are we there yet? Huh? Have we achieved Nirvana yet? Huh, have we?'

The power of now

"Showoff"

'There is no past. No future. Only the present, which is changing every instant. Time is merely an illusion. Got it?'

'Don't be embarrassed ? when I first attained Nirvana, I wet my pants, too.'

Noah's ark, many lions

"Moses, some of the people are requesting gluten free manna."

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

Bible Bloopers

Guru.

'It says, 'Life is like a transistor.''

"Perhaps if you guys just swam along behind us for a while."

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

"Wow, Jesus. That lesson rocked, someone should write this stuff down."

''No other gods before me'? Oh - You're one of THOSE types.'

Nun Binning the Devil

"Remember, ladies, if you are doing this right you shouldn't be able to do it."

"Make me one with everything!"

"She's been in shavasana for - like - a really long time...."

'Do you ever just feel like getting AWAY from it all?'

"It's ok -- It's the Enlightenment Channel."

"My lessons on Enlightenment are a prerequisite to my graduate-level course on Investing in Derivatives."

'What I've learnt sitting on this mountain, alone for ten years, is how boring sitting alone on a mountain for ten years is!'

All we have in life is this moment...

'I'm finally at one with the universe...but apparently that doesn't include the DOW.'