Buddhist Teacher Gifts

"With the deluxe package you get a vacuum, vanilla scented interior spray freshener, carnauba wax, and enlightenment."

Zen things to do before you reincarnate

'I'll be back in three or four months - Hold that thought.'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"I change my mantra every two months so no one can hack my soul."

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

The power of now

"Showoff"

'Don't be embarrassed ? when I first attained Nirvana, I wet my pants, too.'

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

Guru.

Bible Bloopers

'It says, 'Life is like a transistor.''

Noah's ark, many lions

"Moses, some of the people are requesting gluten free manna."

"Perhaps if you guys just swam along behind us for a while."

'Oh, yeah? -- Well, my true inner self can whip your true inner self!'

"Wow, Jesus. That lesson rocked, someone should write this stuff down."

"It's ok -- It's the Enlightenment Channel."

''No other gods before me'? Oh - You're one of THOSE types.'

"Make me one with everything!"

"She's been in shavasana for - like - a really long time...."

Nun Binning the Devil

'Do you ever just feel like getting AWAY from it all?'

"Remember, ladies, if you are doing this right you shouldn't be able to do it."

"My lessons on Enlightenment are a prerequisite to my graduate-level course on Investing in Derivatives."

'What I've learnt sitting on this mountain, alone for ten years, is how boring sitting alone on a mountain for ten years is!'

All we have in life is this moment...

'Have you been working out?'

'I'm finally at one with the universe...but apparently that doesn't include the DOW.'

"Hoarder."