Breastfeeding Jokester Pillows

'My husband's a breast milk connoisseur.'

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'You've got restless wag syndrome.'

Man in office on saddle: 'You heard right. I just got hired as a desk jockey.'

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

'How's daddy's little deductions doing?'

I'd like to donate to your theater, but

'She said her first words today.'

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

Phoning a Busy Sheep: 'Sorry I can't get to the phone right now, please make an animal noise after the bleat!'

'He's so hip he even used rock 'n roll-on deodorant.'

"Can't you just relax and enjoy my childhood."

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

Cleaning the Horse

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"When I said change the baby, I meant his diapers!"

'Nope.'

"Day 1: Back in the carrier."

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

'I've got rotten teeth and you need glasses, ironic does not even cover it!'

'Inverted nipple? It's probably just incredibly shy.'

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

'When I'm in the saddle I'm part of the horse.' - 'Yes, but which part?'

Am I in good shape, Doc? If you think "spherical" is a good shape. (Published originally on January 9, 2014.)

'No I'm going to do this one standing.

Buoyancy Weight

'I forgot to bring diapers. We were a long way from refreshing.'

How Moms Explain

'What's this?' - 'Your sealed orders, not to be opened till 7 furlongs.'

'I'm trying to watch my weight so I hope that's low fat!'

"I think we have mice in the walls."

'At first I wanted a brother... but I changed my mind. I want a puppy.'