Parenthood Jokester Pillows

'She said her first words today.'

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

'Can I invite my friends round to watch, Mom?'

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

Dad Trophies

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

'How's daddy's little deductions doing?'

Chicken With Stroller

'I hear you can tell how big they will get by the size of their feet.'

"The main skill you need in parenting, is the ability to surreptitiously eat chocolate."

'Hold on a minute with that stuff! That 'infestation' just happens to be your kids on a Saturday morning!'

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

Let the #&(%?;! pigeon drive the bus

"Can't you just relax and enjoy my childhood."

"For the love of God Billy, you've got to stop putting things up your nose!"

'Did you find any clothes?'

'There's been no stopping him since he said his first word this morning!'

'Oh look Julia, he's just text me his first word.'

"Your baby is fine, but we're keeping her overnight as a precaution. Here's a loaner."

Possible Titles For My Upcoming Autobiography

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"When I said change the baby, I meant his diapers!"

Maternity ward (door sign.. push push).

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'I dressed myself.'

Dad Dancing.

"Sure, Mom's eager to get us back to school, but she could have stopped the car!"

'You can't tell me what to do! You're not my 'ruler'! Heck, you're not even my real dad!'

"It's the U.N. inspectors, Michael. They want access to your room."