Parenthood Jokester T-Shirts

'She said her first words today.'

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

'Can I invite my friends round to watch, Mom?'

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

Dad Trophies

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

'How's daddy's little deductions doing?'

I'd like to donate to your theater, but

This is our 36th nap today - I can't read you a bedtime story EVERY time.

"The main skill you need in parenting, is the ability to surreptitiously eat chocolate."

'I hear you can tell how big they will get by the size of their feet.'

Chicken With Stroller

'Hold on a minute with that stuff! That 'infestation' just happens to be your kids on a Saturday morning!'

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

'Did you find any clothes?'

"Can't you just relax and enjoy my childhood."

"For the love of God Billy, you've got to stop putting things up your nose!"

Let the #&(%?;! pigeon drive the bus

I know you do your mating dance just to embarrass the kids.

'There's been no stopping him since he said his first word this morning!'

'Oh look Julia, he's just text me his first word.'

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

Possible Titles For My Upcoming Autobiography

'I dressed myself.'

"Your baby is fine, but we're keeping her overnight as a precaution. Here's a loaner."

Dad Dancing.

"When I said change the baby, I meant his diapers!"

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

Maternity ward (door sign.. push push).

"Sure, Mom's eager to get us back to school, but she could have stopped the car!"

'What? Didn't your parents ever tell you who delivers babies???'

12 step program