Breastfeeding Comedian Pillows

'Inverted nipple? It's probably just incredibly shy.'

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

"Mother nature sure is confusing...she gives me a clothes line but no clothes!"

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

"Mum's biological clock is ticking away...OOPS!...my mistake. That's indigestion."

Pregnant Woman - "I think it's coming gift-wrapped."

'sugar and spice my eye.'

Oh, sorry, it's in airplane mode.""

"Mother and baby are doing well...Both are in a stable condition."

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"She's cute all right. But, whoa, what a narcissist!"

'This might be a good time to discuss a few grievances.'

It went even worse than I expected - She got custody of the kids and me.

Beware of teething baby.

'Dad's my roadie.'

'Do you have a reservation?'

"Whenever mom and dad go out without us, they suffer from whatever the opposite of separation anxiety is."

'Looks like we'll have this one by C section."

'Yeah, but how does the stork get into the maternity ward?'

Caution: False Contractions Ahead

'Well, it's a boy. And I think I can explain those sudden sharp pains in your rib cage.'

Breastfeeding in public

"It's not easy, the constant demand for attention, the fussing and crying..."

"You know kids love boundaries, Dad."

'Why should I? He didn't attend the conception.'

'The noise is terrible and the view is horrible. So much for good working conditions.'

'You've been overfeeding the budgie again, dear.'

'Mom, did the stork beta test me before I was delivered here?'

'No, there's only one baby Mrs Kong, but it looks like a very big one!'

'No, I am not sneaking off to the bar! I just thought, being Mother's Day and all, you'd appreciate some alone time with the kids!'

'Personally I think the washer needs replacing.'

Big book of daft names for kids.