Child Rearing Comedian Pillows

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

"Good news. It's a small pig."

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'