Overfeeding Humorist Pillows

'You've been overfeeding the budgie again, dear.'

'Big cat? I told you we overfeed our cat.'

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Fast Food Dieter

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'Food fight!'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'Hundreds of years of medical progress, and all you can tell me to do is eat less?'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"I feel like I can't trust myself around food."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Is it working?"

'92 elements in the Universe and you always have to chuck the compound NaCl all over your dinner!'

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

"I never discuss my clients with their mothers."

'If you don't mnage to have enough sunshine you should eat more of oily fish, black caviare, eggs and butter.'

'Inverted nipple? It's probably just incredibly shy.'

'That's enough cream. Please stop.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

Struggling chef.