Overfeeding Humorist Gifts

'You've been overfeeding the budgie again, dear.'

'Big cat? I told you we overfeed our cat.'

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Fast Food Dieter

'Food fight!'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Weight Gain Denial

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'Hundreds of years of medical progress, and all you can tell me to do is eat less?'

"I feel like I can't trust myself around food."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Is it working?"

'92 elements in the Universe and you always have to chuck the compound NaCl all over your dinner!'

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

"I never discuss my clients with their mothers."

'If you don't mnage to have enough sunshine you should eat more of oily fish, black caviare, eggs and butter.'

'Inverted nipple? It's probably just incredibly shy.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

'That's enough cream. Please stop.'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

'Great. Looks like I'll be packing on more weight.'

Struggling chef.