Book-keeping Gifts

'I'd like to investigate your tax return.'

"You can go home now, Barmpot - we've balanced."

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'Quick! We need a bigger chart in here!'

'Ok, I'm in a paperwork mood. Let 'er rip.'

Or as I prefer to call it, the 'feel-good' factor.

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

Annual profits,

'Investment charts can be complicated, son, but that usually means, 'bonuses'.'

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

What's wrong with the computer you've got?"

'There they go - off on their own - and a finer bunch of fledgelings one couldn't ask.'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

'They make remarkably clean pets.'

"Whereas we used to display losses in shocking and offensive red, we now display them in warm and comforting toasted almond."

Housewife feeding her washing machine with a brief.

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

Businessman with in and out boxes marked: 'Hocus' and 'Pocus'

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

'You'll never believe the day I've had...'

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

'I think I must be ambidextrous. I can calculate interest with both sides of my brain.'