Bookkeeping Boss Gifts

Internal Revenue Service, Fraud Division. Are you in?

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

"We were able to retire 6 years early by canceling cable & eliminating anything fun."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"Can you give me a haircut that says, 'If you mess with my budget I'll rip out your soul, wring it like a dish towel, and drink it from a teacup'?"

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

Sheep Ledger

"My accountant is brilliant - he has just had a loophole names after him!"

"Six out of ten statisticians prefer to be in the majority."

Businessman sees sign in window of 'Fred's Chili Bowl' restaurant: 'Now Hiring a Bean Counter'.

'Your night writing book, madam.'

Gone Bookkeepin'

"This pesky decimal point seems to give you quite a bit of trouble."

'You certainly have a way with no words.'

'I'm not comfortable with his method of fixing our balance sheet.'

'Hang on, I've just found another one. It must've fallen down behind the coffee machine.'

"Other folks have to pay taxes, too, Mr. Herndon, so would you please spare us the dramatics!"

"Now I see your problem. You've been using a leaf blower to rake it in."

Accountant Manqué

'Good news! It looks as though the $50 million loss we expected to show is going to be a $30 million profit. You know, we should have hired a government accountant as our chief financial officer years ago.'

'I think you'll find these projections somewhat exaggerated, but in a good way.'

School of Wizardry and Creative Accounting.

"Cook the books al dente so the auditor will have a little something to crunch."

'Do you think now's a good time to ask for a raise?' - 'I wouldn't if I was you. She gave me one this morning.'

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

"Hired! You're just what we need in our budget office!"

Records?

"So, the bills still aren't paid? You've never been good at money management."

Do you know what it means when all your financial statements are in red ink?' 'That it's time to change the printer cartridge?'

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'

'Our expenses have decreased 20 per cent since we started refilling our own ink jet cartridges.'

"Advertise! Advertise! That's always been your answer for everything."

"Oh, that three billion dollars."

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."