Church Bookkeeper Gifts

"Although the collection plate appears to be half full, our accountant assures me that it is half empty."

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Sheep Ledger

"Six out of ten statisticians prefer to be in the majority."

Businessman sees sign in window of 'Fred's Chili Bowl' restaurant: 'Now Hiring a Bean Counter'.

"My accountant is brilliant - he has just had a loophole names after him!"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'Your night writing book, madam.'

Gone Bookkeepin'

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"This pesky decimal point seems to give you quite a bit of trouble."

'You certainly have a way with no words.'

'I'm not comfortable with his method of fixing our balance sheet.'

"Now I see your problem. You've been using a leaf blower to rake it in."

'Hang on, I've just found another one. It must've fallen down behind the coffee machine.'

"Other folks have to pay taxes, too, Mr. Herndon, so would you please spare us the dramatics!"

Accountant Manqué

'I think you'll find these projections somewhat exaggerated, but in a good way.'

'Good news! It looks as though the $50 million loss we expected to show is going to be a $30 million profit. You know, we should have hired a government accountant as our chief financial officer years ago.'

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

Religious Maintenance: 24 Hr Callout.

Records?

"Cook the books al dente so the auditor will have a little something to crunch."

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

School of Wizardry and Creative Accounting.

'Do you think now's a good time to ask for a raise?' - 'I wouldn't if I was you. She gave me one this morning.'

"So, the bills still aren't paid? You've never been good at money management."

Do you know what it means when all your financial statements are in red ink?' 'That it's time to change the printer cartridge?'

'There it is! I've isolated the origin of the firm's demise.'

"Advertise! Advertise! That's always been your answer for everything."

"Oh, that three billion dollars."

'For people to think we just pluck figures out of THIN AIR is RIDICULOUS, we use a bucket.'