Book Agents Gifts

My book agent, Laurie, sold my memoirs. It's a gut-wrenching tale of how I overcame the odds. It's based on actual events. Not actual events in my life. They didn't ask! The memoir mantra: Don't as, don't tell.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

Sherlock Holmes selling Sherlock Holmes.

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"Pssst! Do you have anything on American history?"

'The C minus was sufficient. I didn't need the advice against hiring a literary agent.'

Not to be a motion picture. Will remain just a book.

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"Have you read any of Shakespeare's plays?"

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

Books: The Wit and Wisdom of Ebenezer Scrooge

Blue Stockings - Female poet who has not sold any of her books

"Author does not do tricks."

Sue the Author 3PM

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

Spiritualism: Meet the Authors.

'We're pushing our do-it-yourself kit, today, sir - a ream of paper and a half-dozen pencils.'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

Sign in a bookshop window offers chance to meet the narrator of the audio book.

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."