Literary Agent Gifts

"We're still pretty far apart. I'm looking for a six-figure advance and they're refusing to read the manuscript."

'Please keep in mind this is only a 'ruff' copy.'

"The editor who turned down the first Harry Potter book, say hello to the publisher who took a pass on Stephen King."

'I've just finished the Great American Grant Application.'

"Great news! Your novel is in a medium-size pile in the middle of the floor about four feet from the left side of Oprah's assistant's desk."

Book publisher telling author about some changes needed.

"It hasn't been published yet. Bloody idiots wouldn't recognize a great book if it jumped up and bit them on the ass."

Jesus in publishers office being told can't use Greatest Story Ever Told as book title

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

"I don't think you can accuse another author of plaguerising you for using the same words when they were in a different order."

'He plagiarizes so much that he has a fence instead of an agent.'

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

Publishing Clauses Of The '90s.

Memoirs: Fiction/Non Fiction.

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'I find your whole story difficult to swallow,' Literary Agent.

'Too many cliches? Now hold your horses!'

I really hope the agent likes my submission... - '' - 'This is perfect.' - '' - 'Absolutley perfect.'

Are you printing your own book? No, it's my mailing to agents!

'The C minus was sufficient. I didn't need the advice against hiring a literary agent.'

"We're really, really interested. Now take it home and make it sing."

"I fear there are only so many bamboo metaphors the average reader can tolerate."

I only have one copy of my book left.

'Is this your first book launch?'

'Nice...but I don't think people want to be reminded.'

'Read any good book reviews lately?'

'Your book will definitely be a best seller; it just needs a complete new set of words.'

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

"As you know, Ed, my pockets are considerably deeper than yours. Therefore, in addition to my share I'll be needing a percentage of yours."

"The stories are false. The names are real to stimulate sales."

'I've gotten quite a bit out of that creative writing class. I think I'll become a literary agent.'

Prices displayed for a book and its movie rights.

Literary Dogs.

"I wrote, self-published and remaindered it myself."

I'm afraid we only accept manuscripts through an agent, except spy novels, which we only accept through a double agent.