Theatrical Agent Gifts

"So that's it then? Just the one trick?"

'So, apart from the literary reference, that's it, is it?'

'No, I don't want to see your personal interpretation of the role. Just stand there and say, ho, ho, ho!'

'Not that I think you'll need it. But good luck with the 'Jack and the beanstalk' audition.'

"...and so we bid farewell to one of our best loved theatrical agents..."

"Of course I trust my agent...he's got two very honest faces"

An honesty of agents

Theatrical agent, "Quite honestly Frank I think you've turned into a poor caricature of yourself"

'... You jump through hoops, and balance a ball on your nose, and all they pay you is one fish?... Boy, do you have a lousy agent!'

Next: I'm STILL a 'D' list celebrity - sack my agent!

'I'm your agent! You're going to have to do another swansong.'

'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).

'You're looking for someone to play the part of a washed-up, hammy actor?... Hold on, I have someone here who could've been born for the part.'

THEATRICAL AGENCY, 'We have an opening to do some commercials - How'd you like to be the LEAST interesting man in the world?'

'So what else do you hyptnotise apart from rabbits?'

'To be honest Mr Gregson, I've seen better escapologists, goodnight.'

'Is this still part of your act?!'

'I know you've seen a lady sawn in half before...but lengthways?'

"Frankly, nowadays people just want to forget."

'I told you Ko-ko that you don't have to even think of retirement - the phone stopped ringing for you years ago!'

RADA toilets - gents - agents.

"The high wire act is here, sir."

"I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. This is a talent agency, not a lack of talent agency."

"... And of course, because he's only a 'D-list celebrity' you'll get him much cheaper."

"Scared of spiders! Is that it?"

"In this business the ball takes funny bounces. I got you a recording contract."

"Actually I'm a waiter but things are pretty slow at the moment and I'm looking for something to fill in between jobs."

"I might be able to find you something in science fiction but costume drama is, I'm afraid, out of the question."

"That's not the sort of Elvis impersonator I had in mind. . .!"

"What's the best thing about being a ventriloquist?"

"Do you have anything other than dog roles, I don't want him to get type cast."

"Have you read any of Shakespeare's plays?"

Bear doesn't do nude scenes.

"I'm sorry, but the name 'Parker Posey' is already taken."

"He's been performing longer than Mick Jagger."