Casting Agent Gifts

'To be, or not to be? I'm, like, WHATEVER ...'

What's wrong with you? It's a simple sentence! Here: 'She sells sea-shells by the sea-shore'

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"So I get all the way there and it turns out they wanted a computer-animated penguin. I'm firing my agent."

"Bob, you're just not selling me on you essential hamburgerness."

'Sorry, Kemosabe, but me gottum better offer from Sergio Leone,'

"You are the weakest wink...goodbye."

'You're looking for someone to play the part of a washed-up, hammy actor?... Hold on, I have someone here who could've been born for the part.'

Studio 7 Oar-ditions: Oars lined up for an audition at a movie studio.

Casting in the swamp.

"Remember, you're a 17-year old fashion model. Now go out and act like you've never acted before."

"You're both deserving of the part, but Dennis went the extra mile by gaining thirty-five pounds just for the audition."

"Not another security guard role! I feel like I'm always type-cast..."

"Wow, I carry Mary to Bethlehem and then witness the birth of Jesus! My first major role in a blockbuster!"

"If we put barcodes on the actresses it's easier to keep to their sell by dates!"

"Since they gave up on grants we just don't seem to get the same variety of candidates."

"You're right, Son. This movie did have a great cast."

"I'm sorry, but you're so iconic to Western movies that of course, you can't avoid being typecast..."

"I might be able to find you something in science fiction but costume drama is, I'm afraid, out of the question."

"He thinks that if they really want to smash the stereotype then he should be a shoe-in for the next Bond."

"I know I'm a possum, but I'd like to get a role that doesn't require me to play dead."

"The role is subtly nuanced and the person we choose has to bring a sense of 'lots of money for the producers' to the part."

"Sorry, you're a good character actor, but you don't have the physique to be the hero's horse. I can give you the trusted pack-horse role though..."

Auditioner auditions.

"Which part are you reading for?"

"Don't we thing Arlene would make a perfect Medea?"

"I need an ensemble film. Take five star vehicles and smush them together."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. You need a Laurence Fisburne-Forest Whitaker-James Earl Jones type."

"He's Richard Gere without the principles."

"Tell me again—which blond actress is she the blond-actress daughter of?"

"Being labeled a character actor does not mean you are ugly."

"What else have I seen you in?"

Audition For the Birds

"If you want the part you're gonna have to take off your shirt, toots. There's a reason it's called show business."

'You say you've been hibernating in Alaska for the past 25 years. Do you think you can drive an SUV up the side of a mountain?'