Theatre Agent Gifts

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

"I promised I'd be around long enough to reinvent and repackage each of you one more time, but the Big Talent Agent in the Sky seems to have other plans for me!"

'Either I get a substantial rise or I press the mute button.'

'I told you Ko-ko that you don't have to even think of retirement - the phone stopped ringing for you years ago!'

"I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. This is a talent agency, not a lack of talent agency."

"In this business the ball takes funny bounces. I got you a recording contract."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

'The C minus was sufficient. I didn't need the advice against hiring a literary agent.'

"Have you read any of Shakespeare's plays?"

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

Cafe Momus from La Boheme

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

Henry the amazing talking dog.

Why you've never heard of Ricky Rat.

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"Mum, I got the job!"

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

Enterpe, Terpsichore, Calliope, and Bernie, their agent.

Jimmy Cagney.

"Which part are you reading for?"

"I love being your agent, Nick, but the guys making the really big bucks now are the managers. Let me be your manager."

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

"And what else do you think you can bring to the role of Edmund, Earl of Gloucester?"

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

"If you saw a book with the title 'An American Speaks Out,' would you buy it?"

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."