Literary Agents Gifts

'A most powerful, moving and scary book - botanists will love it!'

"Oprah is definite, Barnes and Noble is giving you front windows, and Norman Mailer has agreed to a feud."

BOOKS ON VIDEO/BOOKS ON TAPE/READ YOUR OWN.

The Anti-Agent

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

'The C minus was sufficient. I didn't need the advice against hiring a literary agent.'

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

"Have you read any of Shakespeare's plays?"

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"Great news, I've booked you two stag nights, a hen party and fourteen solemn thanksgiving services for members of the theatrical profession"

"If you saw a book with the title 'An American Speaks Out,' would you buy it?"

"OK, we may not have ways of making you talk, but we do have ways of making your leg twitch uncontrollably."

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

'Please keep in mind this is only a 'ruff' copy.'

'Is this your first book launch?'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'They're only interested in computer generated mammoths.' (Theatrical Agent).

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

Meet Santa's entourage

Writer Services: We fix plot holes.

Snow White and her Seven people.

Book publisher telling author about some changes needed.

Memoirs: Fiction/Non Fiction.

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."