Blood-curdling Comedian Gifts

'But seriously , folks, I know you're out there, I can hear you bleeding!'

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Rap music

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

Toy plane with pilot eject.

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

A private jet takes off

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

Rodin's Thinker.

Exit Next Left

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

Clubbing

Midwest Winter Items.

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

Car leaving highway crashes through 'EXIT HERE' sign.

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'What did I SAY to DAVE?' - A person with hangover worrying about the night before.

"Don't think of this birthday as you're getting older. Think of it as being one day closer to irritable bowel syndrome."