Stress-busting Comedian Gifts

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

"A raise? Unlimited free refills aren't enough for you?"

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

"Most people would jump at an opportunity like this."

The company's going bankrupt,you'll need to get someone in to bite my nails for me!

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

'Has the news finished yet?'

'I'll pay double for half as much.'

'Albert Figgis gets board backing.'

Struggling chef.

"Moses, remember commandment three."

"We look for people who can quickly adapt to changes in the workplace."

"One last request: move my car to the 11:30 A.M. to 1 P.M. Monday -Thursday side of the street for tomorrow."

I hope that's not a prescription for another placebo, Dr. Kapuchnik. Frankly, Al, you've proven that you can't handle a placebo. This is a prescription for a fake placebo.

"Staff shortages and increased workloads means all leave has been cancelled...but as compensation we are being offered enhanced toilet breaks!"

'I'm not asking you to lie - I'm just asking you to go insane.'

"Great, you finally complied with our clean desk policy! So what all were you able to get done today?!"

'I told you that 'will of the people' stuff would backfire!'

I am NOT a serial killer...

"My apologies, sir. Our chef forgot to take his beta-blocker."

Self help tape - listening skills

'...And here, on line 27, where you say 'Beam me up, Scotty'....'

'I see you're aware of the problem with the phones.'

Errands: the Magazine for the Errands Life Style

Hotline.

The End IS Near

My motto is "Do it now!" That's why I've decided there's no time like the present for postponing what I don't want to do.

The Hand Puppet's Dinner

Yeah, he laughs, but only at his own jokes.