Stress-cooking Humorist Gifts

Struggling chef.

'Apparently, Smith's desk just couldn't withstand the weight of the paperwork we piled on his desk.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

'I used to think I was the only one kids hated... I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for you guys.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

'Anybody for breakfast?'

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

Luigi's Career Change From Pizza Shop Owner to Masseuse Goes Smoothly...

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

"Most people would jump at an opportunity like this."

The company's going bankrupt,you'll need to get someone in to bite my nails for me!

Great Moments in Culinary History.

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"She can't take any constructive criticism."

Microwave - 'Table 19 sends compliments to the chef!'

'I thought it was my turn to cook, but I didn't make anything because I wanted you to take me out to eat.'

'I found a way to make dinner in half the time. I don't finish it.'

Your Dinner is in the Tin

'Mom's a lousy cook.'

'When it comes to our Boef flambe safety is paramount.'

Whoa! Willard, you know you can't put metal in a microwave! Why not just heat it the old fashioned way and use your nostrils?

Tofu: Firm, Soft, Amusingly Jiggly

A man with a pancake on her head

'Can you do it over easy?'

'And none of yor deflationary wit - just attend to the bar-b-q-.'

'Albert Figgis gets board backing.'

'Every traditional country kitchen needs an aga like this... It's perfect for keeping the microwave in.'

'I'm not asking you to lie - I'm just asking you to go insane.'

"Staff shortages and increased workloads means all leave has been cancelled...but as compensation we are being offered enhanced toilet breaks!"

"Egg Beater"

'I think I preferred your meals before I discovered fire.'

"Sure it tastes like homemade... your wife works here."

"One last request: move my car to the 11:30 A.M. to 1 P.M. Monday -Thursday side of the street for tomorrow."

'Bouillabaisse!'