Bland Fashion Analyst Gifts

The Bland Leading the Bland

"Well, Tarzan, after spending all your time in the jungle, could you handle working in a small cubicle? And yes, there is a dress code, so you'll have to replace that loincloth with a suit and tie."

'It has a zip-out lining in case of a mild winter.'

'Your hair is messy,stand up straight. You look unkempt.'

Only Black, Navy Blue, or Grey Suits Beyond this Point.

"Apparently, he's well over 100 now."

If clothes make the man make sure yours don't make you into a twat.

"Who do we know who wears lilac corduroys?"

Fashionista

'I'm gonna have to change my hair. My parents love it.'

Short Hair: Expectations vs. Reality

If you're a defendant, this necktie has 'innocent' written all over it.

"No no no! Stripes are soooo half-past four!"

'Her clothes are so way out, she won first prize at a fancy dress competition, and she wasn't wearing fancy dress.'

'Hey, awesome jacket, Melanie! Suede?'

Man wearing boxer shorts being tossed out of Café with waiter adding 'No Pants, No Service' to window sign.

Midlife Madness

'Those shell suits are just sooo 1980's!' - hermit crab in crab meat tin criticises one in a shell

'Dang animal activist! I'm wearing mink because I am one!'

'...Ok clothes, for the way you or someone else could live if you chose to, but you don't so you buy the clothes anyway as silly, sassy statement of defiance!'

'That sweater would fit you better if you would diet.' 'Okay, what colour should I dye it?'

'I'll tell you why I have a beard if you tell me why you shave yours off every day...'

'What about her hair? Doesn't anyone care about her hair?'

"I need a jacket for the office. Nothing too Hillary."

"For crying out loud, stop calling those your 'fat pants.'"

'Because if you go out wearing leg warmers on your arms you'll look rediculous!'

Living on the Wild Side (for timid guys)

"The ads just says 'Everybody in Leather' - they don't say how much."

Men wearing loud shirts are the first loaded onto airplane.

La Vie en Beige

I know a comb-over when I see one, Jerry.

"What exquisite taste, my dear! Your dress, made from cotton produced by forced labour, goes wonderfully with the blood diamond on your lovely finger!"

"I find you can tell a lot about an economy just by looking at peoples' shoes."

'I'm not a fashion model, I just can't afford to eat.'

Menswear Changing Room. "Are you serious?"