Biblical Satire Fan Gifts

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

A Wii in a manger

"Bloody typical, you wait for ever, then three of the buggers come along together!"

Young Jesus learning to walk on water with waterwings around his ankles.

"So what did you expect from one rib?"

"O.K., O.K. ... I'd lay with Peter betroth Paul and smite Luke."

Eva and snake in Garden of Eden, BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE.

And God created loud annoying devices ...

'This new religion sounds neat — what kind of fertility rites does it have?'

'God cocks it up'

'Does the fig leaf make my butt look to big?'

"Spoiler alert with the carnivores, they think it's a dinner cruise."

"If the apple doesn't work I have a plan B."

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

Ghostwriting the Bible

"Hang on, isn't this the second pair of zebras we've had today?"

A surprise in heaven

"Some mid-life crisis that turned out to be."

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer."

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Enough with the treehugging already!"

"At first, I was teaching Job a lesson, but now I'm just messing with him."

Moses parting the waves and trolleys appear on the sea bed!

'I don't get it, I've only served that guy water all evening.'

"Heavens above no, I'm not the angel of the Lord. I'm the landlord from the Angel. I wondered if you fancied a pint."

"At the time I thought it was a goose."

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

"I'll convert. What does the attorney general recommend?"

"He changed water into wine!"

"Let there be light hors d'oeuvres."

'5.40pm on the 2nd day....and still waiting for the surveyor'

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

'Catch a pair of chimps and do a complete makeover on them.'

"According to the breathalyzer, the wine definitely represents your blood."