Satirical Scripture Fan Gifts

"I don't like to complain, but he should've created some jobs, too."

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

Ghostwriting the Bible

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

"Hang on, isn't this the second pair of zebras we've had today?"

A surprise in heaven

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

"I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer."

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Enough with the treehugging already!"

"At first, I was teaching Job a lesson, but now I'm just messing with him."

Moses parting the waves and trolleys appear on the sea bed!

'I don't get it, I've only served that guy water all evening.'

"Heavens above no, I'm not the angel of the Lord. I'm the landlord from the Angel. I wondered if you fancied a pint."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"At the time I thought it was a goose."

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

"I'll convert. What does the attorney general recommend?"

'5.40pm on the 2nd day....and still waiting for the surveyor'

"Hallelujah!"

"According to the breathalyzer, the wine definitely represents your blood."

'Eve ate the apple, and she's asking if you want to make it two out of three with oranges and bananas?'

"Let there be light hors d'oeuvres."

"Let us recall the parable of Jesus turning the other tentacle."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"He changed water into wine!"

"Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about that?"

Moral Outrage.

'I propose a day of mild exasperation in response to Richard Dawkins.'

"The good news is everyone's on board. The bad news is the unicorns are gay."

"Can we discuss this?"

"I want to take a vacation, but the last time I left you in charge your face appeared on a grilled cheese sandwich."